This week I start my new career as a “play-at-home” mom. I’ve been a “professional” for nearly two decades now. I was a chair of my academic department. I earned my Ph.D. in Rhetorical Studies from one of the finest programs in the country. And my first book will come out in November.
But now God has granted my prayer to spend my days making rock candy and slaying paper giants. My husband, too, is starting a new job at a new school on Wednesday. After knitting our adulthood to an all-encompassing ministry for 21 years, God has said deemed that we start over at, for me, age 38.
So I’m asking for advice. What’s important for stay-at-home moms to remember, to do, and to plan? How do you do it? Like the good over-achieving grad student that I still am, I’m taking notes!
August 7, 2007 at 12:48 am
What an exciting time! You get the best of both worlds. Someday, I’ll get to go to grad school…
Meal planning has been one of the most worthwhile endeavors in my home. I’m not as into scheduling when housework gets done, but I shop once a month and create an entire month of dinners, lunches, snacks, treats. It takes me about 2 1/2 hours to shop, 2-3 carts full. I have a entire lengthy post on my blog about the details. I’ve been shopping this way for a year or so since we live in a remote area in the west.
Get up and shower and get ready like you would at any other job. This helps my morale a LOT (and being a pastor’s wife who lives in the parsonage prepares me for drop-by company!).
Try to get as much done before hubby gets home so you can enjoy your time with him.
Do the dishes immediately after a meal. There’s nothing worse than waking up to yesterday’s mess, in my opinion.
Learn to love your home, making it a place you’re proud of. Since I fight this inner femi-nazi quite often, I’ve decided to view my job here at home as my profession and do it with excellence (not perfection). Creating a beautiful garden and cooking delicious food for my family is extremely satisfying for me.
I used to check out books of kids activities at the library, esp. during the baby and toddler years when I didn’t feel very creative. Family Fun magazine has lots of cool stuff to do with older kids.
You’re gonna be doing the bulk of the housework now, so guard against bitterness (a constant struggle for me!).
That’s all I can think of. I love this blog!
August 7, 2007 at 1:09 am
Hmmm. . . . I used to do those freezer meals and *loved* it because it felt like I was eating out every time I did it! I’ll have to pull out my recipes again. Maybe now I’ll have time to put those meals together. Thanks for the reminder.
Shower and dress, eh? Okay. . . . Sounds like you’re flylady!
August 7, 2007 at 1:32 am
Wow, Julie, you pretty much covered it all!!! I wish I felt as “together” as you sound. =o)
Uhm… I don’t feel qualified to dispense advice, this is something I feel like I’m just getting the hang of. But a few things that have helped get me here…
It’s become a habit to do a quick clean up before bed. Now I can’t get up the stairs until I will like what greets me when I come down them in the morning.
I use my planner more consistently. I write down the most trivial things. At the very least, it reminds me that I HAVE been accomplishing things even if it’s hard to tell just by looking around, that my time DID go somwhere.
Sounds cliche (because it is), but take care of yourself. Do whatever makes you feel good, healthy and energized – exercise, take that shower, do your make-up, take your vitamins. Keep up your energy. Because in those moments when you don’t feel inspired, you’ll need it.
Stay connected with whatever motivates you. For me, that means checking into this site every now and then, and some good up beat music. =o)
PRAY at the beginning of everyday. Yeah, I know, this one is for everyone, but I think us SAHM’s need a little extra measure of it!!! Since it seems like our day can get derailed a little easier, it helps me to pray that my day would be filled with HIS business, that way if something unexpected intrudes into my “plan”, that it wasn’t unexpected or unplanned to God, maybe even orchestrated by Him.
And Julie was so right when she said that your home needs to be something you take pride in and love being in. Make it that, and a lot of things fall into place naturally.
I’m not into meal planning. It’s just not practical for my family’s schedule. I just keep favorites on hand that can be made fairly quickly when necessary.
And above all… do what work’s for you!!! Just because something works great for me, doesn’t mean it will for you or the other home-exec next door. =o)
August 7, 2007 at 1:33 am
i feel better if i shower first thing, but i don’t always do it, especially if i know that i’ll be sitting in the hot yard for two hours while the kids run around. i do try to shower before noon, does that count?
i’ve been spending the summer trying to play more than piddle around the house. strangely, my kids more readily entertain themselves after i’ve given them my undivided attention, so the house is actually cleaner and i’ve been doing more. ::shrug::
i never got into freezer meals, but if you find some that are great, do tell!
August 7, 2007 at 11:24 am
Camille,
What a wonderful time in your life!
I was thinking about what helped me when I was first at home with little ones. My goal was to have most of my chores finished by noon. Clay came home for lunch every day so that was a great incentive. Then I would have nap time to either nap myself, bake something special for supper, or work on a project.
I am trying to simplify life. It is hard because I have lived in the same house for 23 years and we have too much stuff. But I do think making things more simple helps. Check out a Don Aslett tape at the library and listen to his great ideas.
Julie is inspiring. Check out her blog. I want to go out for dinner at her house. I think planning yummy meals does make being a homemaker more interesting. I used to do lots of freezer meals and it does save lots of money and time. But be sure you have variety and don’t eat all your favorites the first few days. You might end up with 10 days of tuna casserole.
One of the best pieces of advice ever given to me was by a mom who had a 24 year old daughter when she gave birth to her youngest child. She said if she had to wait until her children were raised to pursue any personal interests, she would be too old and decrepit to pick up a needle and thread. So she always tells moms to work on a personal project you enjoy and, even if you only have 10 minutes, do it every day.
I think the single greatest frustration of being at home is feeling like your work is never done. If you have a job outside the home, you often have a sense of accomplishment…a student who does well on an essay, projects that are completed and benefit others, a sales record that reflects your hard work.
At home, you will continue to wash those same Osh Gosh overalls dozens of times and the toys that are put away at bedtime will be all over the house again tomorrow. And the day after that. But if you have a project of some sort that you can work on, something that is just yours, you will have at least one thing in your life that doesn’t have to be done over tomorrow and you will feel less frustration.
Finally, and from my vantage point of 32 years of parenting, relish every day. You won’t believe how fast it goes and every day they are a little bit bigger and have more autonomy. On one hand, this is your greatest hope. On the other, it is your greatest fear and grief. You just have to enjoy each stage, even the awful stages, one day at a time.
August 7, 2007 at 11:57 am
One of the things that was hardest when I was first staying at home was not getting the verbal encouragement and reinforcement that I was doing a great job. In employment situations (which I know you get from your students) I had a lot of people appreciating me, thanking me, and really glad that I was able to help them.
Nothing can compare to sticky-handed hugs and the smiles of children. But even with that and a husband’s encouraging words, I didn’t realize how hard it was going to be to NOT have the constant positive and kind feedback from people.
So. . . Just be prepared for it. Tell your husband and friends when you need some encouragement. And treasure those little boy smiles.
August 7, 2007 at 4:09 pm
” i do try to shower before noon, does that count? ”
Molly, This DEFINATELY counts in my book!!! I typically don’t get my shower until my little one’s afternoon nap! Before noon would surely be an improvement. =o)
August 7, 2007 at 4:45 pm
I have found more recently that I need to get up early (when possible!) and have a quiet time. I also second the meal preperation idea. I did it for a while and life was a lot easier, especially after a long or challenging day. I have not kept it up- I need to get organised again though. I like that idea of a personal project. The daily routine can get get a little repetitive and dreary at times.
August 7, 2007 at 4:46 pm
Oh……and I love to have a shower as soon as I get up
It is about the only chance I have before little monkey boy gets going for the day 
August 7, 2007 at 5:20 pm
I’d echo thatmom that the most difficult adjustment for me in going from grad school to SAHM was the constant feeling that I never got anything done. It’s like a dream where you’re running to something and no matter how long and hard you run you will never reach your destination. It’s the ultimate busy work and very frustrating for a task/goal-oriented person (which you must be to have accomplished that much!) For me, part of dealing with this has been learning contentment and realizing that some parts of the goal-oriented psychosis can be just prideful.
The meal planning works for me too because it keeps me from spending more money (good on one income!) and the planning frees me up to think about other things during my day. And I also agree that you need to plan and prioritize some things that are important for your own needs. My sanity is entirely preserved right now by my Starbucks outings. My husband watches my son twice a week and I take as many books as I can fit into my bag and go read for a few hours. And make yourself take on responsibilities outside the home that are important. If you wait until everything at home is done, you won’t ever leave! Sign up for ministries at church or volunteer work, etc. and it will give you an excuse to prioritize the things you know are necessary outside the home. I also make it a point to invite people over on a somewhat regular basis so I don’t lose relationships and it motives me to keep my house cleaner! I would also suggest just NOT turning on the TV but fitting other things into the day that are more mentally stimulating. I listen to NPR on my kitchen radio and to podcasts while I walk my son in his stroller. You just have to find what works for you and your family’s priorities, which is the whole idea of adjustment I guess — it does take a little time to do that!
August 7, 2007 at 6:11 pm
I’m echoing others, but I personally think it can be very difficult to go from the task-oriented professional career that tends to operate on straight lines, into a rather circular care-giving one. The dishes never get done, even if you do them, you know? The kids never stay bathed, even though you just bathed them.
It can be very difficult for those of us goal oriented/task-driven people at first, just because of the constant repetitive tasks—no job is ever actually completed “for real.” It’s a skill that I’ve had to learn (and continue to learn)—-learning to enjoy the rhythm of the cyclical instead of thinking along straight lines, learning to find fulfillment in smiles and not in completed goals.
That was my biggest struggle in adjusting to taking up home full-time.
Secondly, I’ve struggled with the fact that I would not choose to be in a total caregiving profession if I was in the career world, so since mothering is a full-time caregiving endeavor, I sometimes find the constant demandingness of it wearying to the extreme. I personally *prefer* mental stimulation, adult interaction, etc, over changing diapers and mopping floors, you know?
That I *prefer* that, personality-wise, is no crime, but I have to keep that in mind on days that I feel utterly exhausted from the relentlessness of caregiving for five children. That way I don’t beat myself up for feeling the way I do, but I also learn to take a deep breath and work through my own “personal preferences” by putting the needs of the little ones on the same level of importance as my own.
These are the two areas that “get” me, that I have to work on, proactively. I think discovering what one’s personality type is/needs (and how it thinks) is really helpful to seeing what personal characteristics will need some extra help and which ones will blossom just fine on their own.
Personally, I would not take back these years at home, though they have pushed me and pulled me and refined me and made me seek God’s face in ways I’d have never thought possible. It’s been a much bigger challenge than I ever could have imagined, but the benefits have also been much greater than anything I’d have ever guessed.
August 7, 2007 at 9:17 pm
“That I *prefer* that, personality-wise, is no crime, but I have to keep that in mind on days that I feel utterly exhausted from the relentlessness of caregiving for five children. That way I don’t beat myself up for feeling the way I do, but I also learn to take a deep breath and work through my own “personal preferences” by putting the needs of the little ones on the same level of importance as my own.”
Molly, I think this is KEY!!!! This is essential to not feeling totally defeated and like a failure, for those who don’t necessarily thrive in a purely domestic life.
I think that a failure to approach SAHM life with this attitude, especially if you believe those who declare that it is what a woman was “made for” (when we were really made to be a companion to a man; no wonder we crave adult interaction!). Yes, maybe some women were made for it, in that GOD crafted their personality to enjoy that environment, but to say that it is ingrained in EVERY woman simply because of her sex is just flat out false, not Scripturally backed, and inconsistent with reality.
Personally, I am a MUCH better SAHM since I’ve had this (internet interaction with intelligent people) outlet for mental stimulation. It’s essential for preventing burn-out to keep the adult part of you alive and healthy, and to be YOU, the personality God made you while pouring so much of yourself into little lives and their home.
August 7, 2007 at 9:50 pm
“I’d echo thatmom that the most difficult adjustment for me in going from grad school to SAHM was the constant feeling that I never got anything done. It’s like a dream where you’re running to something and no matter how long and hard you run you will never reach your destination.”
TOTALLY!!!
(Except I felt like I was running in circles writing my thesis, too. *sigh*)
I’m still trying to get the hang of this SAHM thing. I don’t take to domesticity easily. When I totally feel like I’m going to lose it, though, I write myself a little syllabus. I plan for the near future in terms of large goals and daily what-I-need-to-do’s. Course objectives and daily class.
It helps me feel like I get something done.
What Tulip Girl said about daily affirmation, yea, I totally resonate with. I don’t have good grades to try to achieve anymore.
August 7, 2007 at 10:25 pm
I just mentioned on my blog about how the few blue ribbons I got at the fair made me so darn excited because it was a tangible reward for baking something. It was like getting an A on a paper I’d worked hard on.
I love the idea of a little syllabus! I like thinking of it that way.
August 7, 2007 at 11:34 pm
I had no problem being a SAHM when I quit with the birth of our first child. But when our second was 3 I returned to work because of a deal I made with my husband.
Then I had the burn out and quit.
That time I had the hardest time getting back into things. Which was really sad because I was doing fine until the day I quit.
I can’t put my finger on things exactly. But the transition can be really hard.
With the first time, I think it was easier because every thing was new. I was a new mother, only married for just over a year, and not employed ‘out’ for the first time since grade 9.
But the second time. I really fell apart. I didn’t fall back as far as I did during my post-partum year after my daughters birth. But I was panicked that I was sliding into the same feelings.
Some of it was the feeling that Molly described of always being ‘on.’
When I was working and had to work a night shift (nursing hours), dh would be good enough to make sure that I had kid free hours. When I quit… I didn’t get the same respect from him.
The demands not only increased, they became all consuming.
The guilt from sitting down in the evenings when something wasn’t done that I should have conceivably accomplished that day.
Prior to quitting, I maintained a habit that I had since I became a Mom. I had a ‘quitting’ time each evening at 8 p.m. when my boy went down for the longer sleep.
But when I tried to be a SAHM the second time, I was a flybaby. So my kids would go to bed by 8:30 p.m. and then I’d have to do my evening routine. Which meant that I wasn’t usually alone and child free until 10 p.m.
I guess what I’m trying to say is… sometimes the adjustment is really, really hard. It is really hard to encourage yourself. I’ve always done best when I get up really early and have a Bible study in the morning. Yet I find this summer its been a big struggle. The kids are up until 9:30 p.m. Its 11 by the time I’ve done the last things of the day, and I’m not hearing the alarm clock at 5 a.m.!
So be gracious to yourself!
August 8, 2007 at 9:58 pm
[...] dear friends advised me to find some of my own projects that I enjoy to make this transition from college prof [...]
August 10, 2007 at 12:05 am
Oooh…I like this thread…so encouraging!
I’ve really been trying to treat it like a job…I recently learned about meal planning and freezing, so that is my newest learning project.
I keep trying to learn new things- Congratulations on earning your PhD. I would like to go back for my Masters eventually. I have been fascinated with Scottish history lately. It would be fun to mix my interest with that into writing about it…
Most of all, I really try to look at being a SAHM as a true job, and plan and act accordingly. It has really helped me to not be so bitter (which I struggled with for a while).
August 10, 2007 at 3:49 pm
Hi
I’m a newcomer to this blog, and am really enjoying it. It’s a huge breath of fresh air to read stuff by intelligent, committed Christian women who don’t seem to have that extra-Biblical list of dos and don’t s attached to their fridges as ultimate reference to their femininity!
Anyway, my advice is perhaps not to do the flylady thing with lots of schedules and lists, but to relax into your new role and embrace it as the very creative vocation that it is. Seek a rhythm to your days, for example finish house-cleaning by 10:30…no matter what, make sure meals-times are adhered to but involve your kids in its preparation. Get them outdoors to play every day if possible and do a lot of reading and crafting with them. Oh, and when they’re in bed have some time for yourself and your hubby! Oh boy, when you realise that housecleaning doesn’t make for a wonderful Godly home then your well on the way to good mothering (in my opinion! he, he, he). Just have a lot of fun as they’re only young once!
Peace
Natalie
August 10, 2007 at 5:25 pm
Natalie…
I love that comment. Thank you!
August 10, 2007 at 5:31 pm
Congratulations and welcome! I truly feel after 17 years of being home (I worked a little bit until our first two were born) that I really don’t want an outside job. I see the lure of them, even think I might like that some days, but here at home, I’m in charge. I don’t have any bosses, politicking, catty coworkers, etc.
I never really thought about the challenge some of you gals do have in adjusting to being at home, vs. a task oriented job. It would be difficult, and I think explains to a large extent why some of us at home are disgruntled some of the time. Like when we have cleaned up a diaper mess for the 5th time that day.
My advice, as a mom who has 2 teens, 15 and 17 and then a 6, 4, and 2 yo, relax. It isn’t that important that all the toys are picked up every night, all the dishes washed, etc. I’m not advocating total disorder or dirt, but messy isn’t dirty. Don’t knock yourself out with the household tasks at the expense of irritating your kids.
KellyH
August 11, 2007 at 10:30 pm
I think one the hardest parts of this has been that when my friends who were once homemakers, have all their kids in school full time and they go back to work. I homeschool, and I’m the only one with small kids in my entire town who does, so it makes me feel even more lonely that ladies I once was able to chat with while my kids were doing homework during the day are now at work.
Just something I’ve noticed lately. I don’t fault anyone for making the right decisions for their family, but sometimes being at home can be terribly lonely.
August 12, 2007 at 2:15 am
I agree with this too Julie.
Yet for me it is more a symptom of the over-scheduling of kids. My husband works nights, since before we married.
So for me, I am always inviting people over but 90% of the time they can’t come, more like 99% of the time. Why? Because they have soccer this night, karate, swimming lessons, so on.
I think my house also suffers from the lack of outside company. It is often easy to fall into the trap of, well, its okay for us since we never have company.
I don’t have a solution for this, other than to say, keep trying!
August 12, 2007 at 5:43 pm
Ladies- thank you all for sharing. I don’t want any one to have to struggle and yet it is a real encouragement to be reminded that I am not the only one:) It does at times seem never ending. I run out of ideas formy 2 1/2 yo, and with 8 weeks until baby number 2 arrives am severely lacking in energy (so whats new!)My hardest days are the ones when nothing specific is planned, I don’t have the car, and don’t really want to wander around town AGAIN….
But I have greatly enjoyed reading what you have written and am sure the Lord will help us all in the tasks He has set before us- so thankful that it is not my ow strength that counts.
August 18, 2007 at 9:53 am
Shower before noon is always on my list.
Be selfish (really, I’m serious)…
Don’t spend all your time trying to convince yourself that it is your greatest honor to glorify the Lord by washing a load of whites. Just wash them and move on to the fun stuff…
duck
duck…
September 18, 2007 at 11:47 pm
[...] your mark, get set. . . . CRAFT! September 18th, 2007 I’m done buying stuff. After some dear friends recommended that I find creative activities to occupy my evenings, I took their advice to heart. And I think I have enough to keep my occupied [...]